Firsthand Account

But I Told You To Do It This Way

On the job, as in life, we learn to tell others what to do. We first learn these skills when we are in our earliest positions of power, such as big brother or older neighbor to easily influenced siblings or neighbors. We tell them “It would save Mom money if we cut our own hair — why don’t you go first?” or “Ride this plastic horse down the stairs and let’s see what happens.” In so doing, we learn how powerful we are to influence others.

As we grow older, we refine our techniques. We might say “You’re doing that wrong, you need to hold your handlebars like this.” No longer content to simply make suggestions, we now want them to act in exactly the way we’ve told them.

As we begin in a career, we once again become that younger neighbor. Invariably, there is someone in the cube next to you, let’s call her Shelly, who has 3 1/2 months more experience than you do, and she’s taking us under her wing to “show us the ropes.” With an air of confidence, she imparts to us, “Never talk to Fred before 10AM, he’s a real jerk before he’s had three cups of coffee,” or “Be sure and leave work right at 5:25 so you can ride down in the elevator with the boss.” And, as we want to get ahead at the firm, we listen and imitate Shelly. Shelly feels powerful, and we do not. We resent Shelly.
This changes when we become the boss. We become that big brother or sister again, and we proceed to tell our direct reports, and perhaps some of our weaker peers, how to think and act. In the interest of helping, we re-write faulty memos and tell them exactly what to say when they’re making a presentation in front of the big boss. Feeling good in our newfound confidence, we begin to make suggestions about where they might want to consider buying a condo, or what school at which to get their MBA (your alma mater, of course!).

Suddenly, you find yourself offended that the employee bought a condo across town from your recommendation. Just as the big brother dismisses his younger sister when she resists his suggestion of how to wash the family dog in chocolate milk, we are surprised. What a stupid thing to do! “They must be too green to know better,” we say knowingly. “Perhaps I shouldn’t trust her judgment so much,” we note. We become more guarded in our interactions with them, and the relationship and the work suffers.
We only become more powerful as a manager when we realize that it is not the suggestion that limits us, but rather our emotional investment in having our suggestion (order?) followed. We are not genuinely interested in our co-worker finding a condo that he loves, but rather in him following our suggestion. Why? Probably because it validates our power as the authority.
So the next time you are tempted to tell a team-member how to do something, what if you asked her how she would like to do it, first? You might be surprised that she plans to do it the same way you would. And to that you could say, “great idea.” Therein lies the power of leadership.

Forgetting How to Fall

In an effort to learn a new skill and remain physically active, I’ve started taking adult figure skating lessons. Each week, five women and our coach take the ice and practice our basic skills. This week, we were practicing backward crossovers. We are all ringing a blue circle in the ice, focusing intently on moving our bodies in the proper way. Our bodies are hunched up, with our shoulders elevated and our fingers splayed wide, looking something like the zombies from Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.

Our furrowed brows and pursed lips show how hard we are trying… how hard we are trying not to fall. This strikes me as being in stark contrast with how my daughter and her friends are on the ice. In fact, it is not uncommon for a figure skater to fall 10 times in a 30-minute period. That is how they learn to execute the skills correctly, and ultimately how they learn not to fall.

As adults, many of us have forgotten how to fall. Why? It is likely a combination of ego and the fear of the physical pain that comes with falling. So we try desperately not to fall… moving our bodies and brains to ridiculous limits, simply not to look embarrassed. And then we stop trying new things.

In our careers, we are often looking to avoid situations in which we might fall. So we come up with excuses — I’m too busy, I forgot, I already now how to do it. Or, if we do fall, it was because the ice was bumpy, or that other guy got in our way, or we were distracted by all of the other things that were on our mind at the time.
If you watch a child fall while skating, they spring right back up and do exactly the same thing again, this time working harder not to fall, or even asking a coach how to improve their technique to limit the chance of falling. And guess what, they fall less and less until they’ve mastered the skill.

So I ask you to try to fall this week — either physically or metaphorically. Try something that intrigues you, something that you’re not yet good at, and discover the gift of falling.

Learning To Be With The Things That We Hate

We’ve all heard them, and probably used them ourselves at one time or another. The familiar statements of “I won’t play politics” or “I just can’t stand the conflict.” Whatever the “it” is – that thing we can’t stand to be with, that thing we hate – it holds us back from achieving and growing.

The “it” is different for each of us. For some it is conflict, for others, public speaking, for others, it is working with difficult people. We may even have a handful of “its.”

Why Should We Care About the It?

What we often don’t see is the power of the “it” to limit our future success in our career. The “it” that we won’t touch becomes, in many ways, the thing (or things) that defines us to others.

Take Fred, a middle manager who decides to poach a top performer from colleague Lisa’s group because he knows that she won’t confront him about it. He poaches; Lisa steams. She becomes resentful toward Fred, but doesn’t approach him to address his behavior. Fred’s team enjoys a surge in performance and Fred earns a promotion for his astute leadership. Lisa’s status and position remain the same.

How Do I Find Out What My It Is?

Step 1: For one week, make a list of situations that either trigger your “flight” response or those that you find yourself wanting to avoid – those situations from which you want to distance yourself. Make sure to list all of the situations that you encounter.

Step 2: Review the list and divide them into groups based on a common theme. For example, say that you recorded the following:

• You decline the opportunity to speak in front of a volunteer organization you’re involved in and are seeking to build a network within

• Your boss asks you to lead the next team off-site, but you refuse

• You ask a subordinate to handle the presentation of an important customer presentation because the main customer makes you nervous

The theme for these situations could be “public speaking” or “being in the spotlight.” To state the obvious, you “hate being in the spotlight.”

Once you have your list divided up into groups, select one of the “its.”

Facing What You Hate

The idea of facing what you hate is likely to make you squirm, or even to feel sick to your stomach. If you feel this way about your “it” then you’re on the right track.

There are several steps that you can take to address the “it.”

Own It: Write down or say out loud “I hate being in the spotlight.”

Understand It: Write down all of the reasons that you have for hating “it.”

Develop Strategies to Face It: Think about strategies that you could use to deal with the next “it” situation that arises:

Using the “being in the spotlight” example, you might try to find someone to be your audience prior to your presentation, or you might agree to co-present in order to build up confidence, or you might write out a script prior to your customer presentation.

Use a Strategy When Faced With It: Put one of your brainstormed strategies into action the next time you are asked to “be in the spotlight.” What happened? What did You learn? Modify or try a new strategy the next time, until you find something that works.

Work with a Coach: Find a coach to help you identify and overcome your “it.” A coach will work with you over a period of time to help you build confidence and enjoy newfound success around stressful situations.